i didnt believe she was devils sperm.
she said, curse you all, youll never learn!
when I leave theres no return.
the people laughed till she said, burn!
warning came, no one cared.
earth was shakin', we stood and stared.
when it came no one was spared.
still i hear burn!
8:00 am tomorrow i have the luxury of getting my tonsils removed
they get to put me to sleep and slice me apart,
the only bonus is that the man who is my anesthesiologist called me on the phone tonight to ask a few questions. he sounds like hawkeye from M.A.S.H.
Dear Alan Alda.
tomorrow morning, when i am hungry and thirsty,
when i am awake way to early for a morning when i dont have to go to work
when you are shoving a tube into my lungs and
stuffing me full of drugs….
so we love the new house. and it is friggin awesome. big and big and big… the price on the house is right, i have a huge yard and tons of yardwork to go with it. plenty of storage space, and a big ol’garage to put bikes and cars and meth labs in.. no suburban house is complete with out a methlab after all.
the giant garage is very useful since even though we are completely “moved in”, the garage itself is stacked full of stuff owned by both of us. this was a problem for the meth lab plan.. with no basement, we needed to use the space in the garage, but it is unavailable for now.
well, each big event has to have a big downfall and we have a couple of them.. besides being unable to procure space for the meth lab, sufficient knowledge from the internet and movies to create our own meth lab was also lacking. at least we will stay out of jail.
with that fantastic plan out of the way, we only have to worry about our other two big big problems. what we have here is a multi-year rodent problem and a hundred billion ants trillion ants.
the ants are infesting every area they can get to, they come in through the bedroom window and march across the bedroom. from the bedroom they go into both of the main bathrooms. in the kitchen they are all over the counters, doing little ant dances on the counter. its a fuckin ho-down. they even have little musicians playing little jigs. they do not seem to have any small number of friends. when they hang out, there are carpenter ants, sugar ants, red black purple striped. its the fuckin united nations of the pest world. and we have a front seat to their festivities.
besides ants, we have a whole other issue with the kitchen…. Rats. we knew there was a possibility of rodents and were okay with it, but this is a problem apparently left to fewster until it became larger than normal. the house even came iwth a trap in one of the cupboards, but hey.. nothing special there .. right?
we do not know how many, there are but it appears to have been a multi year problem. at first we didnt even notice, but after being in the house a couple nights, we started to hear interesting sounds. we would hear cupboards banging while we were in other rooms with all of our animals, the dogs make strange growling noises at random times. we first attributed that to the addition of my cat, beeza, into their world.
the first time i noticed anything really bizarre, i thought i was just dreaming something. i heard a cick click click of jenns chihuahua Mia on the kitchen floor. i called to her and asked her to come back
to bed. jen rolled over and let me know the dogs were both in the room already.. bingo ! dream right? the next night i hear the same thing again. with both dogs and the cat accounted for, i lay tehre and listen to the scurrying of something large enough to be confused with a chihuahua.. nice… t
ry sleeping fitfully with an ROUS in your home,.. this aint the damn fire swam, and i am not Wesley “the man in black”.. i am not equipped to fight ROUSs.
The next day after discussion with Jenn, she notices where the little beasts are coming into the house. it is under the kitchen counters where they have had a couple years of chewing access from the looks of it. there are 8-10 holes chewed through the counter footboard. sometime in the past, someone thought they would “take care of the problem” by screwing some poorly cut sheet metal over the holes. yeah, they just ate around the metal and came through again. they even started over on the opposing side of the kitchen as well.
We have officially screwed a giant board over the holes and taped the offending cupboard closed. now we hear the noises and the dogs freak out, but it is all contained in a nice little packaged area. luckily we have a supposed ecofriendly company coming out to help remove the pests. friday they will come and remove the little poltergeist noise makers. maybe we will have a nice photo of one of our new room mates to show by then.
obviously, we would have preferred if they ahd this issue resolved before we moved in.. but considering where the entry holes are, i am not personally surprised the property management co didnt know about the issue. all in all though, a pain in the ass we didnt want to deal with.
What with moving, i have not had a whole ton of time for reading. in fact, it took me over a week to read Lamb, which was a real shame.. it should have been one i could never put down. it deserved that kind of attention.
Christopher Moore is a phenomenal writer. he put out a couple fairly hilarious books i have head in the past (thanks Jenn) and so when this was handed to me, i was anxious to crack it open and start the absorption process.
Lamb: The Gospel according to Biff, Christ’s childhood pal:
Damn. this book is a work of fiction, compiled from a number of sources and the authors brain. it has sex murder ressuractions spontaneous healings. Lamb basically covers from year 10 of Jesus’s life to the crusifiction, primarily focusing on the years that are undocumented and not part of the typical gospel coverage.
Jesus, known in the book by his Greek name Joshua is seen in the first chapter ressurrecting lizards, he is a kid. it is fun. he doesn’t fully get it, but hey it passes the time. Levi, who is called “Biff’ after the sound made when someone gets beat on the head, meets Joshua and they become fast friends. As Josh tries to learn how to become the messiah, it is Biff who helps keep him from getting stoned to death during the opening years. the book covers their travels to the far east in search of the original three wise men, hoping they can help josh learn to save humanity. Along the way Josh learns how he want s the world to be, in contrast to how the Jewish world expects their savior to make it.
damn. this book was hilarious. I read a reprint of the book. it was a special edition that came in a soft faux leather cover with parchment paper and a ribbon book mark. reading it on public transit almost garaunteed me a seat by myself as no one want to sit by the guy reading the bible on his way to work.. little did they know.
I highly suggest this book for any and all religious people with a sense of humor and an open mind. it is not meant to be a new gospel, just a comedic look at what could have been. for those who would say it is blasphemy, i say, shoosh. pick it up and read it. it does nothing to diminish the christian viewpoint. in fact, you may find that it is eye opening on many levels.
Thank you mr moore. this book is one i am proud to have on my book shelves.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Magician and the Fool. this book was all over the place. directly following Lamb, it was interesting to read something so off the wall. Half of the book is incoherent. You are reading two different perspectives on opposing sides of the world.
The first is of Jeremiah Rosemont. Rosemont is a art historian who has taken himself out of the world as we know it. he has been disgraced (though you never truly know why). the book opens with him in south america where he is bumming from town to town looking for peace of mind. he is called to rome, and given a ticket first class to get tehre. the ticket comes from someone that he doesnt know and he has no idea why he is going ther… but hey. it is a ticket to rome. he goes.
Character 2 is of the Boy King. Boy King is a homeless guy living in Minnesota. he is a master reader of the tarot and is hiding from some silent enemy. he has been under the radar for 12 years and is frightened as he finds himself being led back into it.
The whole book revolves around a deck of tarot cards that is 400 years or so, older than any known written (on paper) text. Mythology of the creation of Rome, (the slaying of Remus by Romulus), sorcery, astral travel, lizard people, 900 year old humans, slipstreamed universes, times travel and mind control are all elements in the story.
I read this book cover to cover and enjoyed every page. unfortunately, i have no idea what happened in it. the author purposefully leaves out significant details and glosses over others leaving no solid answers for anyone reading the book. One primary question requiring more info, is what in the great flying fucketty fuck are all these people after the tarot deck for? They need Rosemont to authenticate the deck as being real. they need to catch the Boy King (for what reason, you are never privvy to)…. but WHY??? it isnt ownership of the deck, it isnt some super secret magic that i can tell. all they want is to have an unbiased opinion of the deck and it’s origins..,. fuck… fuck them… toss me some twine so i can help tie this all up.. i have theories, but that is all i can give..
this book was awesome in how fantastically frustrating it was. i hope there is a second book. though i doubt there is.. will need to look that up.
i would read a second just to get answers to the first.
no talk of NIMH will occur here today. Though there was an interesting train of thought in my mind today regarding the playing with of glass balls, tights, stealing of little boys, and David Bowie in the movie Labyrinth.
i think that Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer) from Spinal Tap has Bowie beat.. sorry Davey-boy… lets put it to you this way.. a sock or a vegetable wrapped in tin-foil for freshness?
vegetable wins.
—
Moving is complete. I am now a resident of Beaverton again. I still have some work to be done over at the ol’ apt, but over all stuff is complete… well, if moved into the new garage is considered complete.
the cat is moved in and is slowly becoming acquainted with the dogs..
Yesterday Jenn got into a knife fight with herself. She decided that stabbing herself in the hand with a kitchen knife was a solid way of getting to skip work today or something.. well, not entirely true, she just hurt herself opening some packages at the house, so it was not as glamorous a “Rebel with out a cause” knife fight.. instead, just an unfortunate accident
The Magician and the Fool. this book was all over the place. directly following Lamb, it was interesting to read something so off the wall. Half of the book is incoherent. You are reading two different perspectives on opposing sides of the world.
