Fnord Incorporated

self help, and how to be someone you are not.

The Zen of Zombie: Better living through the undead by Scott Kenemore

• Paperback: 272 pages
• Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing (October 2007)

and

Real Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja book by Robert Hamburger

• Paperback: 192 pages
• Publisher: Citadel (July 1, 2004)

in the last couple months i have read two books that have walked me through the process of learning how to be someone i am not. One teaches the inner “way of the zombie” and how to incorporate the highly successful methods and habits of zombies to bring you to enlightenment and the culmination of your goals. the other is about how cool ninjas are and how you can become one if you can find one, get kidnapped by one, or fake it if you have the gut feeling that you could hack it in single combat with a pirate. neither of these books did anything for me except make me laugh, which, i gotta say, is the greatest self help technique in the world.

either way, they could both be considered self help, and i may actually need more help after finishing them than i did before reading them. well, these two books bring you to contrasting versions of reality. they drop you into worlds that are uncomfortable and unforgiving. one is semi useful yet ridiculous, the other is completely ridiculous and not useful in the slightest… unless you need that laugh described before.

The Zen of Zombie:Better Living through the Undead
Scott Kenemore is the a Zen Master. breaking down the barriers of modern life, he is able to pinpoint specific areas of your world where the emulation of Zombie characteristics will enable you to excel at all you do and say. and by say i mean, dont say.. because zombies do not talk.

in fact, that is one of the points that he pushes. why come across in a meeting as a kiss ass when a simple moan will pass along both feelings of dismay as well as appreciation for an idea. if you speak a lot about nothing, people assume you generally have nothing to say. if you limit your vocalizations as a zombie would, then people will recognize more weight in your statements. when a zombie makes a sound, everyone better listen up.

the basis of this book is single-mindedness to achieve a goal. nothing stops a zombie. zombies don’t care about being PC or about material possessions. they have no desire for a fancy car or a big house. this is not to say that you could not care about these. through reading this book, you are (very heavy handedly) taught that you do not need to be the undead in order to emulate the undead. their resourceful ness and uncompromising approach to life [?] is the key to happiness at its basest of levels.

If a zombie can chase down its prey with one leg, you should be able to get that promotion, or ask the girl out in your office that you have had a half chub for. zombies do not follow laws or let others tell them what to do. we have all the bonuses of a living human, and by taking the positive aspects of zombism, one could become the next step in social evolution.

it was humorous, and actually had a fair amount of decent points in it.. though i read it only for the zombie humor, it was a well thought out book with a fantastic set of ideas, provided you took many of them a grain or two of salt.

Real Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book

Author Robert Hamburger really let one loose here. The book is written from the perspective of a 13 year old boy, though never really described fully. Robert is completely obsessed with Ninjas. They are as he describes “The SWEETEST mammals ever”. James Novy, illustrates all of the ninja magic and awesomeness.

Robert Hamburger himself exists and is not 13 years old. He runs a ninja homepage over at http://realultimatepower.net under the 13 year old persona he created.

This book changed my life. when i grow up i want to kill someone!

-Cindy, age 7.5

i hated to love this book. i loved to hate it. every 2 or three pages i would want to put it down. i wanted to rip out the pages and leave it behind for someone to tape together and torture themselves with later. generally, with in seconds of this feeling i was bowled over with a complete attitude overhaul as Robert filled my brain with violence and bizarre childish humor. moments later i would be back in a cyclone of regret as i trudged another page waiting for another nugget of joyous banter.

Dealing with Ninjas on a personal level, page 113-114

If a ninja wants to kill you there’s pretty much nothing you can do. You can tell all your family that you hate them before you go, but that’s about it. But if you think you’re lucky, you could try putting a bowl of chili outside your window. If a ninja is about to kill you and he’s sneaking through your window, he might see the chili, eat it, and come inside your room and hug you while you’re sleeping, holding you in his arms, rocking you back and forth, wishing for a better life for you, somewhere far away from here. If this happens, then just lie there and enjoy it. And don’t move either, because I heard that there was this one kid who woke up and the ninja was really embarrassed and it got pretty weird for everyone involved.

wow.. i mean wow. Robert is a messed up kid in this book. he equates killing and destruction with cuddling and the manly figures that play ball with young boys. he describes the hatred his family has for him and the torture and loneliness he has from school. it is all rolled up into a never ending run on sentence with the words sweet and boner used as often as physically possible.

a few “chapters” in, we started seeing foot notes which are used to introduce Robert’s babysitter. John edits the book, adds additional information to clarify and strengthen Roberts points. as you read the book you see their relationship dissipate and die. it is all in the name of good humor and joyous introspective teenage looks at what is cool and what is “bullshit”

Robert is obsessive, dirty minded, semi-illiterate, suicidal, a run-away risk, and overall one of the most fucked up characters i have ever read a book by/about.

screw you Robert Hamburger. you got what you deserve, and yet.. i hope that your father really is a ninja.. i think you deserve that too.. scrap that.. i loved the laugh.. and the book.. but still it lurks in my subconscious that i should hire a nija to kill the author.. it would serve him right, prove his point, and partially make up for unleashing this shitty awesome book on the world..

i want to read it again… and again.. then burn it and make robert hamburger eat the ashes through his ass…great.. now i am thinking like a 13 year old…