Fnord Incorporated

Parasite Positive / Crooked Little Vein

Parasite Positive by Scott Westerfeld

Publisher: Little, Brown Book Group (Import - June 30, 2007)

and

Crooked Little Vein by Warren Ellis

Publisher: William Morrow/HarperCollins (Hardback - July24, 2007)

~~

Enjoyed two books in the last couple days. one definitively more than the other.

I picked up a brand new discount bin copy of Scott Westerfeld’s Parasite Positive. It is an imported book. The US Title is Peeps. The name of the book from the UK is far better. Peeps is fine for slang but is a lame name for the book itself in my opinion. But that is a Strike against the publisher not the Westerfeld. The last thing i want to do when I pick up a book is look at the binding and wonder why there is not a yellow marshmallow Easter chick on it instead of humans

Peeps look like yellow fluffy sugar coated dog turds, and thus make me feel funny.. inside.. my stomach.. .

This book is pretty enjoyable, a little bit frustrating. Set in the current times, imagine a world where vampires exist. They are not as we describe in mythology and urban legend, similar but not the same. In Parasite Positive (peeps for short), people can be infected by a parasite through kissing or sexual activity.

Cal, a first year NYC college student from Texas, hooks up with a woman in a bar and loses his virginity. He does not see her again. Soon after, every girl he kisses or is other wise physically intimate with goes bat-shit insane. They have contracted a virus from him.

The virus rewires your brain slightly, give the typical super human strength, yadda, yadda. Cal is brought into a secret organization to hunt down Peeps, Starting with his ex-girlfriends.

It played out in a faster paced story line than I prefer. the ending seemed far too cut and paste, and main characters became too forgiving. It was frustrating to see a good set of characters get a cleansing white wash treatment for no apparent reason, other than a need to close out the storyline. I was pleased to read that there is a sequel, but i am unsure if i will be picking it up. maybe i will read the first chapter at Powells and see if Scott give people back their written vitality. otherwise.. meh.

Best part of the book, every other chapter is a short information package on different parasites in our world, their effects, habits, and horrors. personally, these little segments were my favorite parts.

~~

Crooked Little Vein - Warren Ellis, “awesome” in a box… ready to be mixed, baked, and eaten while youa re stoned and listening your records.

Now, do not confuse your Warren Ellises here. The Ellis who wrote this book is not the phenomenal composer who works with Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Grinderman (with nick cave and a bunch of the seeds), and Dirty Three.

No, this Ellis is of comic series Transmetropolitan, among other comics, books, tv shows, etc.. He puts forward one hell of a book here.

hm.. i dont know where to start here. I guess with a quick thank you.. THANK YOU JARET AND JENN. i rean through this book in a few hours time while i was riding the max train to work and back.

No spoiler here, the description given here will happen in the first five-10 pages.

Apparently, back in the day, founding father Benjamin Franklin wrote a book when he was in france for a few days. The book was written when his nights sleep was interrupted 6 nights in a row by an alien being. On the seventh night, he punchs the alien in the face and kills it instantly. Ben Franklin then takes the aliens skin and binds his book.

What exactly is this book? It is an alternate and secondary constitution to the united staed. it is the fix for everything bad that every happened to our country and our people… only problem is that Nixon gave the book away back in the ’50s and no one knows where it is.

again, this is in the first few pages. the main character, Mike McGill, wakes up  to find a giant rat taking a piss into his coffee cup and then appears to be laughing at him. before he can adjust to the zoological ramifications of a rat taking pleasure in his pain, he is approached by a high power politician. The politician would like to pay him $500,000 to find the book and return it. its not that he is the best detective in America, they want him because he is a “shit magnet” and as such, the book will likely just come to him directly.

Not sold on Crooked Little Vein yet? Two words:

Godzilla Bukkake… (if you do not know what bukkake is, look it up first. it will help you determine if this book is a good match for you)

Buy this book. borrow it. steal it (then give it back with foot notes)…

One last thing, Listening to Grinderman while reading this book is fantastic.. so you could actually ahve both Warren Eliis parts at once.. i wold highly suggest it actually. Grinderman is a nice cooperative sound to the hilarious and surprise of the books scenes…

oh yeah.. i wanna holler out to spider jerusalem. props. love you man,… even if you are fiction.

something i ran across

i was in a Plaid Pantry recently. For those not living in Oregon, the Plaid is a convenience store not too different than a 7-11. They are open all night long and attract creepy people.

Regardless, their porn magazine rack had a hilarious sign attached to it. I thought i should share.

goldmine

It took me a month to figure out how to get this off of my voice mail. The timing was perfect as it would only have stay saved in my phone for a couple days more than that. I had meant to post it for the fam and friends (and any other interested parties) on here. It cracked me up. Then i forgot. Then I uploaded it to my ftp server and promptly forgot all over again.

forgot forgot forgot.

The voice mail i received  was from Jenn, after she fell asleep talking to me on the telephone late one night. When i determined she had pulled a Little Nemo on me, I gave up trying to wake her back up (to say goodnight). Instead, I just hung up the phone. When I talked to her the next day, she did not remember calling back, only that she woke up and had rolled on top of her still open cell.

Well no longer has my memory gotten in the way! Here you have it, the cuteness that is late night phone calls from the beautiful and wonderful Jennifer.

When you open up the oven and the rump roast farts.

“Grosser than gross” jokes -What happened to them?

- I remember being a kid and everyone knew at least one grosser than gross joke. Over the years these same jokes became even more disgusting as the “Grosser” generation grew up and learned how to mix and match the most disturbing things they could come up with. Kudos to you all, you are my kind of people. Or at least, you were… What the hell happened after that? Did we all tire of them, or find them to be too juvenile to bother with? Was it just lost to a new trend of jokes? Do we need a revival of the Garbage Pail kids and semi-toxic childrens toys in order to bring back the joy of nauseating humor? C’mon folks.

Backstory

- I started thinking about this after reading a post on the Burnside Writer’s Blog. Burnside is a collection of Portland area writers who dump ideas and smatterings of text together on a variety of topics. The one that caught my attention was aptly titled “what’s grosser than gross?“, from back in January 2008.

Bryan Allain’s post is short but sweet, a list of things that people do in an office (or other) environment. The items are annoying habits, disgusting things, and annoying people traits. I never got around to posting a response on their page, but I would have to add in the people in my office who are fake hand washers.

Fake hand washers are the one or two people who use the loo then turn on the water, pump the soap handle, turn off the water, and then grapple with the papertowels dispenser and wrestle free a dead tree to dry with. These bastards, never once get their hands wet. No water runs rivulets down their skin. No soap dots the backs of their hands in the beautifully foamy way that makes you want to go home and make a bubble bath. No scalding, lukewarm, tepid, or cold fluids wash away the nasty little germs that infest their person. Yet they pretend to wash, and after that, pretend to dry.

My buddy Alex and I have a tally going, an ongoing collection of names and faces that either quick wash or fake wash. Identifying and avoiding things that people touch was not enough for me, and at one point, I  put up a sign on the restroom mirror chastising those few who needed a little schooling. The thing that gets me is that obviously they are aware they are putting my health at risk (and of course others, but they don’t count). They know it. Why else would they put on a show? What other reason would push them into performing their little counterfeit cleaning ritual.  They go through the motions because they do not want anyone to call them out for not washing. The sign was removed with in an hour of it being posted and no one changed their habits. I should really post another one soon.

Dirty dirty bastards. I hope that Louis Pasteur climbs out of his grave and throttles you with his zombie microbiologist hands till you cry out for mercy, mewling that you will be more sanitary in the future. Only you will be choking due to the inhuman afterlife strength of a brilliant dead frenchman, so your death will occur and noone will hear your pleas for tolerance and forgiveness. I will sing songs about your death and dance on your gra..

Ok.. Sorry, my point is in severe digression and i need to get out of that rut… and backinto the other.

Grosser than Gross

- So here is the dealio. I love the GG jokes. I refuse to let them die. so we are going to start a collection of them. I have scoursed the internet and collected a massive number of GG’s.

1. I am posting them here for your amusement. Learn them, disseminate them out into the populace. I do not want any of you to stop until we have gottent he ball rolling with the young ones. Lets dirty some minds, remove the politically correct goggles, and roll around in the gutter for a while.
2. Read through the list and add any that you know or any NEW ones that you can think of!

I am officially holding a contest. Which ever person either gives me a significant increase to the collection, they will get a prize.I will mail it to you. It’s value may be questionalble or great.. i have not yet decided on the prize yet, but rest assured, it will be as cool as hell

A alternate prize will also be given for the best NEW GG joke.

GET TO WORK FOOLS! MAKE ME PROUD!

15 to get you started.

• What’s gross? - Finding your grandma’s panties.
  What’s grosser than Gross? - Finding your grandpa wearing them.
• Whats gross?  When you sit on your grandpa’s lap and he pops a boner.
  Whats grosser? When you sit on your grandma’s lap and she pops a boner!
• Whats gross? A bloody used tampon.
  Whats grosser? Seeing two vampires fighting over it.
• Whats gross? Chunky Mayonnaise.
  Whats grosser? When you find a condom at the bottom of the Mayonnaise jar!
• Whats gross? A scab collection.
  Whats grosser? Eating Raisin Bran when your brother can’t find his.
• Whats gross? When a cheerleader does a split and she gets stuck to the floor
  Whats grosser? The tupperware sound you hear when she gets peeled off.
• Whats gross? When a cheerleader does a split and 5 class rings fall out.
  Whats grosser? When one ring is her brothers.
  Whats grosser than that? It is still on his finger.
• Whats gross? - unknown-
  Whats grosser? Hugging your grandma and her nipples get hard
• Whats gross? Siamese twins connected at the mouth.
  Whats grosser? When one throws up.
• Whats gross? Your girlfriend thinking she has crabs.
  Whats grosser? Finding out they were really fruit flies,
• Whats gross? Catching your parents have sex.
  Whats grosser? Your parents catching you beating off to it.
• Whats gross? Catching your great grand parents having sex.
  Whats grosser? They ask you to join.
  Whats grosser than that? You do.
  Whats grosser than that? Bringing your dog.
• Whats gross? When your girlfriend masterbates with a cucumber.
  Whats grosser? When she masterbates with a cucumber but pulls out a pickle.
  Whats grosser than that? The unlabled bottle of pickles in your fridge.
  Grosser than that? Your dad eating one.
• Whats gross? Dreaming about eating chocolate pudding and waking up with crap on your face.
  Whats grosser? Finding out you have a spoon lodged in your ass.
• Whats gross? Sticking a tooth pick in your toe nail and kicking a wall.
  Whats grosser? Sliding down a razor blade and landing in a vat of salt and lemon juice.