Fnord Incorporated

Yesterday morning - from my office.

Click the photo to get a larger view

When you open up the oven and the rump roast farts.

“Grosser than gross” jokes -What happened to them?

- I remember being a kid and everyone knew at least one grosser than gross joke. Over the years these same jokes became even more disgusting as the “Grosser” generation grew up and learned how to mix and match the most disturbing things they could come up with. Kudos to you all, you are my kind of people. Or at least, you were… What the hell happened after that? Did we all tire of them, or find them to be too juvenile to bother with? Was it just lost to a new trend of jokes? Do we need a revival of the Garbage Pail kids and semi-toxic childrens toys in order to bring back the joy of nauseating humor? C’mon folks.

Backstory

- I started thinking about this after reading a post on the Burnside Writer’s Blog. Burnside is a collection of Portland area writers who dump ideas and smatterings of text together on a variety of topics. The one that caught my attention was aptly titled “what’s grosser than gross?“, from back in January 2008.

Bryan Allain’s post is short but sweet, a list of things that people do in an office (or other) environment. The items are annoying habits, disgusting things, and annoying people traits. I never got around to posting a response on their page, but I would have to add in the people in my office who are fake hand washers.

Fake hand washers are the one or two people who use the loo then turn on the water, pump the soap handle, turn off the water, and then grapple with the papertowels dispenser and wrestle free a dead tree to dry with. These bastards, never once get their hands wet. No water runs rivulets down their skin. No soap dots the backs of their hands in the beautifully foamy way that makes you want to go home and make a bubble bath. No scalding, lukewarm, tepid, or cold fluids wash away the nasty little germs that infest their person. Yet they pretend to wash, and after that, pretend to dry.

My buddy Alex and I have a tally going, an ongoing collection of names and faces that either quick wash or fake wash. Identifying and avoiding things that people touch was not enough for me, and at one point, I  put up a sign on the restroom mirror chastising those few who needed a little schooling. The thing that gets me is that obviously they are aware they are putting my health at risk (and of course others, but they don’t count). They know it. Why else would they put on a show? What other reason would push them into performing their little counterfeit cleaning ritual.  They go through the motions because they do not want anyone to call them out for not washing. The sign was removed with in an hour of it being posted and no one changed their habits. I should really post another one soon.

Dirty dirty bastards. I hope that Louis Pasteur climbs out of his grave and throttles you with his zombie microbiologist hands till you cry out for mercy, mewling that you will be more sanitary in the future. Only you will be choking due to the inhuman afterlife strength of a brilliant dead frenchman, so your death will occur and noone will hear your pleas for tolerance and forgiveness. I will sing songs about your death and dance on your gra..

Ok.. Sorry, my point is in severe digression and i need to get out of that rut… and backinto the other.

Grosser than Gross

- So here is the dealio. I love the GG jokes. I refuse to let them die. so we are going to start a collection of them. I have scoursed the internet and collected a massive number of GG’s.

1. I am posting them here for your amusement. Learn them, disseminate them out into the populace. I do not want any of you to stop until we have gottent he ball rolling with the young ones. Lets dirty some minds, remove the politically correct goggles, and roll around in the gutter for a while.
2. Read through the list and add any that you know or any NEW ones that you can think of!

I am officially holding a contest. Which ever person either gives me a significant increase to the collection, they will get a prize.I will mail it to you. It’s value may be questionalble or great.. i have not yet decided on the prize yet, but rest assured, it will be as cool as hell

A alternate prize will also be given for the best NEW GG joke.

GET TO WORK FOOLS! MAKE ME PROUD!

15 to get you started.

• What’s gross? - Finding your grandma’s panties.
  What’s grosser than Gross? - Finding your grandpa wearing them.
• Whats gross?  When you sit on your grandpa’s lap and he pops a boner.
  Whats grosser? When you sit on your grandma’s lap and she pops a boner!
• Whats gross? A bloody used tampon.
  Whats grosser? Seeing two vampires fighting over it.
• Whats gross? Chunky Mayonnaise.
  Whats grosser? When you find a condom at the bottom of the Mayonnaise jar!
• Whats gross? A scab collection.
  Whats grosser? Eating Raisin Bran when your brother can’t find his.
• Whats gross? When a cheerleader does a split and she gets stuck to the floor
  Whats grosser? The tupperware sound you hear when she gets peeled off.
• Whats gross? When a cheerleader does a split and 5 class rings fall out.
  Whats grosser? When one ring is her brothers.
  Whats grosser than that? It is still on his finger.
• Whats gross? - unknown-
  Whats grosser? Hugging your grandma and her nipples get hard
• Whats gross? Siamese twins connected at the mouth.
  Whats grosser? When one throws up.
• Whats gross? Your girlfriend thinking she has crabs.
  Whats grosser? Finding out they were really fruit flies,
• Whats gross? Catching your parents have sex.
  Whats grosser? Your parents catching you beating off to it.
• Whats gross? Catching your great grand parents having sex.
  Whats grosser? They ask you to join.
  Whats grosser than that? You do.
  Whats grosser than that? Bringing your dog.
• Whats gross? When your girlfriend masterbates with a cucumber.
  Whats grosser? When she masterbates with a cucumber but pulls out a pickle.
  Whats grosser than that? The unlabled bottle of pickles in your fridge.
  Grosser than that? Your dad eating one.
• Whats gross? Dreaming about eating chocolate pudding and waking up with crap on your face.
  Whats grosser? Finding out you have a spoon lodged in your ass.
• Whats gross? Sticking a tooth pick in your toe nail and kicking a wall.
  Whats grosser? Sliding down a razor blade and landing in a vat of salt and lemon juice.

Compilation: 2008 - Unclean

Last week i finished a new compilation CD, the previous one was posted back in February. Work has been fairly hectic to the point where even the idea of listening to music at work could cause an brain overload…. unfortunately it means that 2008 is going to have significantly fewer compilations than other years.

The compilation available for download today was created specifically for Jenn. When we were in California earlier this year, she became JUST A LITTLE obsessed with Flo-Rida’s song “Low” everytime that the song would come on the radio, she would sing and slap her ass. it still continues nowadays. i gotta admit the song is damn catchy. Digressing.. I figured i should incorporate the Song into a comp designed for her. It was a bit difficult as i wanted to include a few more songs that have high radio play and i am not a radio listener by nature.

What we ended up with instead was a bizarre amalgam of music. indie work mixed with chart hits, mixed with custom samples, mixed with unedited songs…. i did fall back on a couple skeleton key songs where i had no idea how to keep the music moving forward.

The title of the compilation “Unclean” comes from the fact that the David Banner song on track 5 is DIRTY AS FUCKING HELL. i love it.. after incorporating Banner’s”Play” the comp took a definite turn toward dirty lyrics, but by the end i was successfully able to pull my music listening back out of the gutter.

There is one complaint i expect from people: there is a Bunny Rabbit song.. If you hate it, skip it.. personally i like it :) it is stupid and crap but funny and has a nice beat. put that building in my motherfucking pussy, bitch. :)

front cover (click to view)

Unclean

Playtime 1hr 16min 4sec
109 MBs

---

01- The four of us are Dying [edited],
Nine Inch Nails -

nin.com

02- Everyone nose (All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom),
N.E.R.D. -

n-e-r-d.com

03- Maneater,
Nelly Furtado -

nellyfurtado.com

04- Jerk It [Megasoid demo mix],
Thunderheist -

thunderheist.com

05- Play (dirty),
David Banner -

david-banner.com

06- Hot [ratatat mix],
Missy Elliott -

missy-elliott.com
ratatatmusic.com

07- Low (with T-Pain),
Flo-Rida -

officialflo.com

08- Final Frontier,
RJD2 -

rjd2site.com

09- Back it up,
Peaches -

peachesrocks.com

10- Callin Out (with Tommy Guerrero),
Lyrics Born -

lyricsborn.com

11- Good people check,
Themselves -

anticon.com - artist Page

12- Lollipop [w- Static Major],
Lil’ Wayne -

lilwayne-online.com

13- Dirty dirt,
Bunny Rabbit -

myspace.com/loversandcrypts

14- Lost ones,
Lauryn Hill -

lauryn-hill.com

15- The Blueprint,
Boogie Down Productions -

myspace.com/theboogiedownproductions

16- Pudpots,
Nightmares on Wax -

nightmaresonwax.net

17- Party and Bullshit [ratatat mix],
Notorious B.I.G. -

badboyonline.com/notoriousbig
ratatatmusic.com

18- Bury me standing [w- Luke Sick],
DJ Z-Trip -

djztrip.com

19- Looking down the barrel of a gun [godspeed/crayons],
The Beastie Boys -

beastieboys.com
brainwashed.com/godspeed

AND JUST FOR FUN
20- Everybody loves a lover,
Doris Day -

wikipedia.com - doris day

I claim no copyright on the above music, consider it fan marketing for the bands involved. it is all good music and worth checking out to make your own decision.

Enjoy.

I am always looking for ways to improve, so please leave positive and negative feedback..

download:Right click-> Save as -
[erisian] 2008 - Unclean.zip

Basic information-

• Compiled for continuity from the first song to the last. For the most part, each track was created with segues and as such, it should be burnt to disc “gapless” in order to remove any annoying interruptions and play smoothly. Playing on MP3 these gaps are fairly inevitable, if you use a crossfader, i would suggest no longer than 1 second.

• Please listen to it from beginning to end at least the first time. First time through, the song order is important. everything is placed in a specific relationship witht he song before and after. After the first play through, skipping to tracks you enjoy will not detract from the overall feel of it.

• This compilation was created to fit on an 80 minute CD-R

mr/ms pacman, babies, and bologna

I pose the following questions to the world… but i require no answer as i am pig headed and full of myself.

Using the following photographs (taken by me), can we use “logic” to determine what Pac-Man and Mrs Pac-Man eat when they are not chasing down ghosts or fruit? I think we can.  I am fairly certain that we will determine that what they eat is in fact human babies, ground up and squashed into little plastic wrapped tubes of goodness… Follow along…

Questions:

1) If 75% of the waffle that ZackDaddy made is shaped like Pac-Man, what is the other 25% indicative of?

I would say that it would indicate the “dot” that is spewn across the game screen when playing, the same dots that when completely eaten allows Mr. and Ms. Pac to move on in levels.

2) If Ms Pac-Man eats dots and chases ghosts, AND EATS BABIES, then what are the dots made of? How can we trust her statement, as recorded in the photograph, that she does eat babies? Is it all a stunt to get attention now that she is past her prime?

Logically, the dots eaten in her game, could be bread, or rabbit food, or BABIES (among other possibilities). but why would anyone ever make baby pellets.. the processing time for making little baby circles would  outweigh the desire to have them. if processed baby meat does not exist, we can rule it out entirely.

3) HA! Processed baby meat DOES exist, as Baby Bologna. Check out its slim tube, one baby per package seems about the right size. See the soft pliable pinkish color, similar to the soft pliable pink flesh of a young human? If baby bologna comes in tubes (which could be sliced to become circular dots), would Mrs Pac-Man eat them?

OF COURSE she would eat them baby bologna in its very existence removes the troublesome processing time needed to make babies into usable foodstuffs and convenient sandwich filler.

my logic, though seemingly faulty and seemingly random, is neither faulted nor random. please give any additional  information you have that may assist in determining if Ms Pac does in fact eat babies. anyone who attempts to persuade me that baby bologna is NOT made from babies will be shot, hung upside down, castrated, burnt alive then added to a package titled “Adult Bologna” and resold in the open market.

side note - Jenn wrote a song about baby bologna. she is a genius.
(sung to the tune of “Rubber Ducky”)

Baby bologna you’re the one

You make lunch time lots of fun

Baby bologna you’re awfully tasty too

Woo woo be doo

Baby bologna, joy of joys

When I eat you, I make a gleeful noise

Baby bologna, you’re my favorite lunch, it’s true!

Doo doo doo doo doo doo

Every day when I

Make my way to the food cubby

I find a little tube of baby who’s

Cute and pink and chubby

Babe-a-bologna!

Baby bologna, taste so fine

And I’m lucky that you’re mine o’ mine

Baby bologna, I’m totally fond of you

Every day when I

Make my way to the food cubby

I find a little tube of baby who’s

Cute and pink and chubby

Baby bologna, taste so fine

And I’m lucky that you’re mine o’ mine

Baby bologna, I’m awfully fond of –

Baby bologna, I’d like a whole pound of –

Baby bologna, I’m so glad I found you!

Doo doo be doo!